Friday, March 26, 2010

got a fax

I received a job application from a certain Joe Public*. It seems Joe is unemployed or is unhappy with his current employment. Well, times are tough Joe, and aren't we all just fed up with everything?

I wish to state upfront, I am not running an employment agency. I work as an environmental consultant (although of late I've been very impressed with the title 'environmental analyst'). From time to time, in my line of work I put up public notices inviting expressions of interest or comments on development projects. Yeah, I know what gibberish! Well, we use vague and legal language in our public notices much the same as rich people use high razor wired fences to secure their homes (if that home is in the 2nd, 3rd or 4th world, the 1st world doesn't count because of foreclosers, so no need for security there). In our case the 'razor wire' is used intentionally to avoid misguided petitions from joe publics. If you're on my side of the fence, this is a good thing. But this is only an academic truth, because if you're on Joe’s side, you see it as evidence of a flawed system which actively acts to exclude some people by using complicated language. I think the legal term for it is discrimination.

I'm sorry Joe. I left a message saying I don’t have work for you, but you must keep looking. Here's are 3 options: 1. Write a letter to your member of parliament and the equality court, and explain that you're suing for discrimination because no one wants to hire you. 2. If he/she doesn't respond in 30 days, burn a tyre and chant violent songs outside his/her home (also wear something red). 3. Your final option, keep sending those job applications to every notice you see.

*no his/her real name

Thursday, March 25, 2010

jumping airs

I have not received any mail with money yet. I'm starting to think that I won't. This is sad because it means my Mervin Heat Concern campaign will not survive another day. I'm gonna have to work on my money making schemes a little harder, maybe smarter and faster as well.

I'm not always this stupid. But sometimes I think that its easier to go through life by acting stupid. Its certainly worth laughing at yourself once in a while. So, for all this was worth: hahaha.

Did I tell you I sold my bmx to buy a mountain bike? The bmx was a social tool to see how many bones I could break, but the other guys always beat me at it. Doing airs and jumping concrete slabs was a thrill though. I think a mountain bike is much more than that. For one, I use it to cycle to work, so it saves me money. Secondly, I cycle along some adventure tracks around where I stay. Third, I hear its aerodynamics are a hit with the ladies! But, truth be told, I miss that little bmx. Its rhymes with max so easily.

Monday, March 8, 2010

mervin


Cape Town is experiencing 40+ degree temperatures today. Mervin, the soccer ball, happened to be outside in the sun when the weather delivered a massive heatwave on the southern tip of Africa. This is Mervin's story. "I was just sitting there when I suddenly popped", he said. In the photo, he is shown sitting in the back seat of my car where the incident occurred.

Preliminary medical reports suggest that a total re-constructive surgery may be needed. In the mean time, the local authorities have advised Mervin and other soccer balls to find the nearest beach or stay indoors.

As a concerned owner and responsible citizen, I have taken the initiative of setting up a relief fund. I call it the 'Mervin Heat Concern'. Donations will go towards his cosmetic surgery and and possible burial expenses. Please send 10 Rand to 66 Loch Road, Rondebosch 7700.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

plain stupid

Scientists have concluded that men who sleep around are likely to have lower IQs. Dr Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist from the London School of Economics and Political Science, said the smarter a man is, the less likely he is to cheat on his partner. His theory is based on the assertion that through evolutionary history, men have always been "mildly polygamous". That has changed today, however, and Dr Kanazawa explained that entering a sexually exclusive relationship is an "evolutionarily novel" development for them. According to his theory, intelligent people are more likely to adopt what in evolutionary terms are new practices — to become "more evolved". Therefore, in the case of fidelity, men who cannot adapt and end up succumbing to temptation and cheating are likely to be more stupid. "The theory (Thank you James Tozer, Daily Mail) predicts that more intelligent men are more likely to value sexual exclusivity than less intelligent men,"

With this not-so new revelation, I think it would be a waste of time to explain the benefits of monogamy to the current president of South Africa.